Pema Chodren: Tonglen

This is a wonderful practice at anytime.  I'm posting it today in response to the earthquake/tsunami in Japan.

Doubt, part 4

At this stage in my life, I'm trying to do exactly what someone mentioned in yesterday's comment section--bring acceptance to my doubts.  I've recognized that getting caught up in doubt doesn't make me happy, but being caught up in certainty doesn't either.  It's in my nature to question and explore; I'm always digging for a deeper understanding of what I encounter.  It's pretty painful not it accept a common aspect of my personality, and I don't want to bring myself that grief! 

When I allow myself to have my doubts unharrassed, I discover that they are thoughts, just thoughts.  They aren't an indication of who I am at my core, and with proper perspective, they don't run my life or make decisions for me.  I learn that each doubt has a diffferent nuance.  Under some doubts is a yearning for truth or deeper meaning.  Some doubts reflect the need to do something differently; they show me where I'm thinking or doing something that's just not right for me.  Other doubts point out buried emotions like fear or anger. 

This practice of being with doubt is actually just like so many other healing processes in my life.  It's acceptance and appreciation of something that I originally found objectionable, sitting with the feelings that arise, and discovering the resource that's available at the core.  There's another realm that doubt can lead me to.  It's not a realm of the mind, but of the spirit.  In my essence, I find a calm knowing.  This knowing isn't the rigid certainty of mind but a strong, peaceful expansive state.  It's a state that can allow the doubting thoughts to subside, but more importantly, it can coexist with the doubts without contradiction.  Knowing is in my soul while doubt is in my mind.  What a relief to recognize that knowing isn't a matter of changing the mind from doubt, but rather opening to a different aspect of myself. 

This understanding can help me to stop identifying with the doubts as if they define me.  I'm the first to admit, when I'm wracked by doubt, it's really hard to get to the place of inner knowing.  That's why I'm making a point to cultivate and recognize the deep knowing of my being in times of relative calm.  The more connected I am to this quality, the more it supports me when I find my mind unsure and confused.  It gives me an fighting chance at being compassionate toward myself when I'm full of doubt and that is perhaps the greatest gift of it all.

Doubt, part 2

Though my family stopped going to formal church when I was about 7 or 8, I have attended plenty of church services in my life and I've heard plenty of sermons on doubt.  The theme of the doubt sermons generally goes like this:

It's natural to have Doubt.  Doubt is given to us by God so that we can come to a deeper understanding of Him.  The natural progression is from Doubt to Certainty.  So be glad of your Doubt and keep your eye on the prize: Deeper Faith.

I can tell you with 100% certainty (ha!), that this train of thought has never been a comfort to me.  It just raises more questions.  When will my doubt be transformed into faith?  How does it get transformed into faith?  What is wrong with me because I haven't gotten my deeper faith yet?  Rather than comforting me, these sermons made me question the fact that my doubt was not transforming into faith.

I realize lots of people share questions about religion and there is nothing particularly special about mine.  But as a child, I didn't know how to deal with my doubts.  I didn't know how to deal with the fact that what I was being told as truth didn't match my experience.  I prayed to God to make me a "good" person and I aspired to be more like Jesus.  Eventually though, I grew to distrust for people who were certain in their faith.  I began to see them at best as simple minded and naive, and at worst, as trying to manipulate and control me.  I have to admit, in spite of myself, in the deep recesses of my psyche grew a gnawing fear that I'd go to hell or at least incur the disapproval of "God" by having this resistance.

Doubt, part 1

All my life, I've been a questioner.  I've wanted to know the why of things and haven't always been satisfied with the answers that have been given.  I've tried to go deeper and deeper into inquiry to understand matters as fully as I possibly could.  In a school setting this can be really helpful (though frustrating to teachers, I'm sure).  In a social setting, I've finally learned to temper it, because it tends to piss people off.  But in the realms of spirit and energy, in questions of the deeper truths, I have yet to be comfortable with my questioning nature. 

In my perception as a younger person, other people seemed so sure about notions of God, heaven and hell, and morality.  For a while I adopted their certainty, but it didn't take long before serious questions were popping up.  My family spent time each week reading the Bible together and I took it to heart.  Some things seemed pretty simple and obvious.  Love one another, including your enemies, including the sick.  Be humble.  Other things confused me.  I wondered about the story of Adam and Eve being the only people but when Cain got banished, there was a worry the other people out there would kill him.  Where did those people come from if Adam and Eve were the only ones?  When I asked my father what a virgin was (in reponse to Mary being a virgin), why did every one get really quiet until he answered, "a young girl?"  That just seemed weird.  Why would God, who was all about love, send people to hell just for not knowing about Jesus?  The questions went on and on.

self love or Self loves?

Lately, I've been pretty self-critical.  Before I understood what was going on, I just noticed I was antsy in yoga class and during meditation.  I was more inclined to watch YouTube videos and less inclined to watch the sunrise.  I was quick to look for my faults in any situation.  After a while of that, I decided enough was enough and paid attention to my inner experience.  Where's the self love? I bemoaned!  That got me thinking about self love.

There seemed to be a split implicit in the phrase "self love."  There was one "self" who wasn't bestowing love on another "self."  In my case, it was a judgmental, cold self withholding love from a poor pitiful, lonely, out-of-sorts, little self.  What a mean, cruel judgemental self!  If only that awful part would change, I'd be happier!  Hmm, I realized, that wasn't very loving.  Wait!  Now what self wasn't being loving to the judgemental self???  As you may have noticed, it was all getting very circular.  There were so many parts involved.  I was tempted to think the solution was either to change the way a part was acting or to replace it with a different, kinder, gentler part.  Instead, I tried sitting with the feeling of it all.  I'm pretty sure I moved a little energy and perhaps even understood each of the parts a little better.  But I still felt pretty grunky.

Then I sat on my meditation pillow.  My mind quieted and I entered the inner sky.  In this spacious realm there were no individual selves, just a big Is-ness that included me, but wasn't exclusively "me."  There was no attempt to resolve the lack of self love or reconcile the various parts and their opinions.  I just sat in stillness with a serenity bestowed by grace.  Emerging from that peace, the question of self love seemed insignificant, just the illusion of a confused ego.  I had encountered my Self, the truth of my being.  The Self--in an unglamourous way--just loves as its very nature.  It loves by not making distinctions between itself and others or between various parts of personality.  I know I'm not doing it justice, but this Self loves and that's that. 

It became simple.  After realizing that Self loves, I no longer felt worried about self love.