Doubt, part 4

At this stage in my life, I'm trying to do exactly what someone mentioned in yesterday's comment section--bring acceptance to my doubts.  I've recognized that getting caught up in doubt doesn't make me happy, but being caught up in certainty doesn't either.  It's in my nature to question and explore; I'm always digging for a deeper understanding of what I encounter.  It's pretty painful not it accept a common aspect of my personality, and I don't want to bring myself that grief! 

When I allow myself to have my doubts unharrassed, I discover that they are thoughts, just thoughts.  They aren't an indication of who I am at my core, and with proper perspective, they don't run my life or make decisions for me.  I learn that each doubt has a diffferent nuance.  Under some doubts is a yearning for truth or deeper meaning.  Some doubts reflect the need to do something differently; they show me where I'm thinking or doing something that's just not right for me.  Other doubts point out buried emotions like fear or anger. 

This practice of being with doubt is actually just like so many other healing processes in my life.  It's acceptance and appreciation of something that I originally found objectionable, sitting with the feelings that arise, and discovering the resource that's available at the core.  There's another realm that doubt can lead me to.  It's not a realm of the mind, but of the spirit.  In my essence, I find a calm knowing.  This knowing isn't the rigid certainty of mind but a strong, peaceful expansive state.  It's a state that can allow the doubting thoughts to subside, but more importantly, it can coexist with the doubts without contradiction.  Knowing is in my soul while doubt is in my mind.  What a relief to recognize that knowing isn't a matter of changing the mind from doubt, but rather opening to a different aspect of myself. 

This understanding can help me to stop identifying with the doubts as if they define me.  I'm the first to admit, when I'm wracked by doubt, it's really hard to get to the place of inner knowing.  That's why I'm making a point to cultivate and recognize the deep knowing of my being in times of relative calm.  The more connected I am to this quality, the more it supports me when I find my mind unsure and confused.  It gives me an fighting chance at being compassionate toward myself when I'm full of doubt and that is perhaps the greatest gift of it all.