Diving Board Faith-Part 2

or...That's Another Fine Mess

As I grew into a young adult, I learned a way to deal with fear.  I hated the paralyzing effect of not having trust.  I hated how the emotions felt in my body and I hated the way I hated myself for being such a wimp in those situations.  I realized if I rushed right into situations without thinking, I could avoid the glaring truth that I was afraid and didn't trust I could handle it.  In all honesty, the usual result was a crash of some sort. 

I'm thinking of the time I tried a rope swing into a lake.  It was a huge drop (I don't like heights) and I'd never even done a small rope swing, but everyone was pressuring me to do it.  "What the h?" I thought, "what's the worst that could happen, dont' think about it, JUST DO IT!"  (thanks a lot nike!).  So I didn't think about timing, I didn't think about speed of swing.  I just squeezed my eyes shut and let 'er fly!  Uh, that might be a good way to avoid feeling fear, but it's not a very good way to avoid getting injured!  That was a pretty dramatic physical crash, but rest assured, there have been plenty of emotional and mental crashes from jumping too quickly with my eyes squeezed shut!

At some point in my 30s, I discovered an alternative to paralysis or rushing in.  Mindfulness, beloved mindfulness!  It this context, it means feeling and experiencing what's going on without jumping into action.  Slowing down and breathing through the situation.  There's a bit of a catch 22 about it though.  Without trust, the experiencing doesn't go anywhere except to paralysis and fear.  Without mindfulness, the trust can't emerge.  I was lucky to have the support of people who trusted in me and showed me it would be ok to experience my feelings.  People who didn't buy into my premise that if I experienced fear, it must mean I'm a crazy wimp.  So with that help, I became more skilled in just being with the uncomfortable feeling of fear.  And miracle of miracles!, I learned that it reallly wasn't that bad. That I had lots of inner resources to handle whateever came up.  I was full of strength, creativity, clarity and compassion.  I learned that when I stayed present, I could connect into the supportive nature of the universe.  I still have my ingrained habits of paralysis and rushing in, but I have a powerful alternative now.  I crash less and have fun more. And for that, I'm extremely grateful!