self love or Self loves?

Lately, I've been pretty self-critical.  Before I understood what was going on, I just noticed I was antsy in yoga class and during meditation.  I was more inclined to watch YouTube videos and less inclined to watch the sunrise.  I was quick to look for my faults in any situation.  After a while of that, I decided enough was enough and paid attention to my inner experience.  Where's the self love? I bemoaned!  That got me thinking about self love.

There seemed to be a split implicit in the phrase "self love."  There was one "self" who wasn't bestowing love on another "self."  In my case, it was a judgmental, cold self withholding love from a poor pitiful, lonely, out-of-sorts, little self.  What a mean, cruel judgemental self!  If only that awful part would change, I'd be happier!  Hmm, I realized, that wasn't very loving.  Wait!  Now what self wasn't being loving to the judgemental self???  As you may have noticed, it was all getting very circular.  There were so many parts involved.  I was tempted to think the solution was either to change the way a part was acting or to replace it with a different, kinder, gentler part.  Instead, I tried sitting with the feeling of it all.  I'm pretty sure I moved a little energy and perhaps even understood each of the parts a little better.  But I still felt pretty grunky.

Then I sat on my meditation pillow.  My mind quieted and I entered the inner sky.  In this spacious realm there were no individual selves, just a big Is-ness that included me, but wasn't exclusively "me."  There was no attempt to resolve the lack of self love or reconcile the various parts and their opinions.  I just sat in stillness with a serenity bestowed by grace.  Emerging from that peace, the question of self love seemed insignificant, just the illusion of a confused ego.  I had encountered my Self, the truth of my being.  The Self--in an unglamourous way--just loves as its very nature.  It loves by not making distinctions between itself and others or between various parts of personality.  I know I'm not doing it justice, but this Self loves and that's that. 

It became simple.  After realizing that Self loves, I no longer felt worried about self love.